Motions
by JougenNoTsuki
Summary: This Christmas was very different.


Title: Motions

Disclaimer: All rights belong to the other rightful owners of the 'Law & Order' brand.

A/N: Well, I guess I am doing a bit of bandwagon-hopping here. It seems everyone's really gotten into the holiday spirit here, and I thought I'd try my hand at it. I was a little disappointed that there wouldn't be an actual Christmas episode (seeing as how they teased us with both Halloween and Thanksgiving episodes...) so I guess this all sort of falls into the canon theme. Oh, if you're looking for fluffy Christmas fluff with extra fluff, look elsewhere lol This is mostly just how I picture their Christmases going this year...

- - -

Alex loved Christmas - the smell of it, the warmth and the comforts it brought. The sights and sounds of the holiday around her. A somewhat large family gathering at her parents home with all the grandchildren running around and making unholy noise while the adults shuffled around the kitchen and living room, watching Christmas specials and waiting for dinner to be ready. Every year since she was a child, Alex loved Christmas. It meant love and comfort, spending time with the people you care about most in the world. This Christmas was very different.

The round-faced little boy who chased after Howard, the family golden retriever, was the only reason why she even turned up at all. Every opportunity she had with him was precious, watching him laugh and smile and reach out to her with chubby little arms. It both warmed and broke her heart. But everything else here, this Christmas, was nothing but the same routine chaos one expects from a family gathering. And frankly, she was in no mood for it.

She went through the motions, helped with dinner, played with the kids, chatted with her brothers' wives, and pretended to listen at dinner when her father told his war stories from days back on the force. She felt like a ghost, pretending to be alright, pretending it was just another normal Christmas. But everything was far from normal.

Alex hadn't told anyone about Bobby, as far as they knew they were both peachy keen. They didn't know that they weren't speaking on personal terms, or that for the first time in six years they hadn't exchanged gifts. They didn't know her cell phone battery was nearly dead from her constant flipping to check for messages that she knew weren't there. No one knew just how upside down her world really was.

When dinner was over and the kids were whining about playing with their new toys, Alex said her goodbye's and headed for home. A bag of various gifts received was tossed into the trunk of her car and she started for home. A quick and easy drive, especially considering the roads were free of anything resembling snow or ice - it was not a white Christmas, nor did it feel very much like one. The thermostat barely dipped below forty-five degrees.

The next few days she would have off, free to do with what she pleased, yet all she could think about was what work would be like when she walked back in. Would she even find her partner there, waiting for her? She scoffed at herself for being so selfish, eyeing the small paper bag that sat in her passenger seat. There it had sat for weeks, her always wanting to surprise him and give it to him. But on the day before Christmas Eve, the day before their short holiday vacation, when she walked into the bullpen with bag in hand, she found his desk empty. Just a simple yellow sticky note on her phone.

"Finished paperwork - See you Monday"

Some gift. She sighed and pulled into her driveway, giving her eyes a quick rub before heading for the front door. Some vacation time this would be, she thought to herself as she unlocked the door. Three days of worrying, wondering, of just wanting to get back to work to make sure he was alright. She didn't even know how his mother was doing, she didn't know anything of her condition - or his, for that matter. Or if he even would be there at all.

Alex was used to being alone. Living alone, long since given up on dating, married to the job. But she wasn't quite used to being so alone. Their relationship, it wasn't like any other she'd had with partners past. They wouldn't go out alot after work, go get drinks, or call each other on the weekends. They wouldn't show up on each other's doorstep with a case of beer and the intention to chat. She'd had partners like that - partners who'd become close friends. But Bobby... She'd thought they had something more, now she was beginning to doubt if they had anything at all.

With a cup of Irish coffee in hand, she flopped down onto the sofa and flipped through the holiday programming, finally coming to rest on "It's a Wonderful Life" It was nearly the end of the film, and her favorite part.

She knew Bobby wouldn't even be calling to wish her a merry Christmas, let alone showing up at her door looking at her with puppy dog eyes. For the most part life just doesn't work out that perfectly bittersweet.

- - -

It was nearly two in the morning by the time Bobby got back into the City and crawled into bed. He hadn't intended on staying so late at Carmel Ridge, but everything lately it seemed had taken him for a bit of a turn. He wasn't used to having to deal with his brother, who would pick and choose his times to visit. And he wasn't used to the new drugs and side effects - but mostly he wasn't used to watching his mother die of cancer.

All day he'd tried to sneak out and make a phone call to his partner, to at least wish her a merry Christmas. To let her know he still cared, because he truly did. But it seems fate had other plans for him. Now it was two in the morning, he was exhausted and would be no doubt up in two or three hours for the next round, and just silently hoped she had a pleasant holiday with her family.

As he started to drift off into an uncomfortable sleep, still fully dressed and lying face-down on his bed, his eyes wandered over to a plain paper bag on his dresser. It had been sitting there for weeks, begging to be taken into work with him, but he'd just never gotten around to it. It had occurred to him earlier that this was the first year they had not exchanged gifts. He wondered now if he should even give it to her at all, seeing as how she hadn't exactly jumped on the holiday cheer express and offered him something.

Stupid. He mentally kicked himself. Stupid, selfish bastard. He vowed to himself that the gift was more now, it was no longer just a silly Christmas present he'd picked up one Saturday upstate, now it would be a peace offering. He knew it would take alot more, more than he had to offer at the present time, but it was a start.

As his eyes drifted closed he pictured her at her parents house, smiling and laughing and having a normal Christmas day. He imagined her playing with her nieces and nephews, passing out gifts from under the tree, eating a large, traditional American dinner with her entire family.

He pictured her happy, knowing she was. Hoping he was right.


End file.
